3 Ways to Check Yo' Insecurities

"Your power is so strong that whatever you believe comes true. You are the way you are because that is what you believe about yourself. Your whole reality-everything you believe-is your creation". - Don Miguel Ruiz

A Bout with Insecurities

It was a regular Sunday during the December holiday. We just got back together after having been in different cities for about two weeks and before that, we had been really busy with our own lives. On this Sunday, we noticed that we were being a little emotionally distant from each other. We even got on each other's nerves (just a little bit). On this day, something small escalated into a significant argument. We really wanted to explore this learning moment with you!

Though we adopted very different conflict styles, we both felt the same basic feelings: frustration, confusion, a little sad, a little mad, and mostly misunderstood. It essentially seemed like the conversation was going on a downward spiral. Luckily, we ended up following our Relationship Zen tips: took a mindful break, returned to the table with a some powerful reflections, and worked together.

For example, one of us pointed out one simple yet gutsy and powerful observation: that they thought something was off with the present state of the relationship. The other immediately agreed. Ta-da! A simple statement opened the door to a very impactful conversation.

We began working together, setting our egos aside, to uncover the cause of this shift in the relationship. It turns out that the issue we were arguing about had to do with personal insecurities, rather than each other. In other words, our emotional baggage got in the way. We realized one powerful truth: that we housed self-limiting beliefs regarding ourselves and this affected our outlook on the relationship. And that, self-limiting beliefs are only as powerful as we allow them to be. This mutual effort and understanding rekindled the fire that had been suffocated by insecurities during the past few days.

We ultimately recognized that we had the choice to either view our insecurities as debilitating or as opportunities for growth. 

Insecurities

Self-limiting thoughts can distract us from our state of Relationship Zen. The thoughts that we find are most toxic for our relationships are personal and deep seated insecurities. Insecurities often stem from fears, a lack of self-love, denial, and other related negative states of being. Every human experiences these to some degree and they are manifested through jealousy, blaming, judging, and even self-abuse or abuse towards others.

However, good lovers recognize it, reflect upon it, and work together to convert it into opportunities for growth. Left alone though, insecurities become toxic for a relationship. Unchecked insecurities result in a lack of confidence in one's own value, a lack of trust, and creates a fear that things will "go wrong" in the future. We've spoken about the dangers of low self-love for a relationship. 

For example, an insecure person may feel the need to constantly prove themselves, to control their partner's appearance and behaviour, to screen their Facebook conversations, to impress them, to win or buy their "love", to judge them, to become overly sensitive towards them, or to be someone that they aren't in order to gain their appreciation. In general, insecurities cause people to see things from the "glass half-empty" standpoint and they are, for a lack of a better term, a common nuisance in a relationship.

A solution to conquering insecurities and all the s*** that they can cause is to have utmost love for oneself. You see, if you fully believe in your self-worth, you have no reason to be jealous, to control your partner, to prove yourself, to screen your partner's interactions, to judge them, to be overly sensitive, or to be someone else. A person who has self-love keeps happiness in their own hands and has no problem sharing a path with another (as opposed to dominating or being dependent of another). During breakfast this morning, we even did a cheers to self-love! 

Seeing With the Eyes of Love, Not Insecurities

Here are some principles to turn insecurities into opportunities for growth:

"Prewedding – Lens of Love"http://www.putueka.com/photos/prewedding-lens-of-love/

1. Accepting that we have them and fully embracing the emotions before moving on
2. Letting go of our attachment to our self-limiting thoughts by recognizing that we must not allow the past to dictate our present and that we are, in the present, creating our future.
3. Creating our own reality by choosing to see through loving eyes.

Here are some practical tips to check and uncover insecurities together and in the heat of the moment:

Ask yourself the following questions and also ask these questions to each other in an ego-less, open, and accepting manner. It is very important to be respectful, honest, and reflective throughout this process. We all experience these self-limiting thoughts and only you can own them! 

1. Do you feel that something is "off" or different in your relationship? Talk about it because you may be onto something! Even if it turns out that nothing was wrong, the clarity you will gain from honest communication will strengthen the relationship.
2. To what extent do you "negatively" judge your partner's behaviours, actions, intellect, physique, or being? What is the trend? What is the root cause?  Are you seeing your partner for who they REALLY are? The more insecure you are, the more likely you are to judge others. Moreover, allowing "negative" judgments to take over will only lead to your partner feeling disrespected and unworthy. Respect involves fully accepting your partner for who they are. If something about them bothers you, you likely need to re-evaluate yourself and/or fully appreciate them for who they are.
3. Are you being YOU at all times with your partner? Or, are you being who you think they want you to be? Why? Self-love attracts healthy love. You are your best friend.

To make these tips work, you have to remember to BREATHE during arguments. Often times, David will take conscious breaths in the middle of a discussion. Lindsey will take a "time out" for herself to process information and feelings. This allows us to come back to the situation with an open heart.

Here are some tips to prevent  insecurities from growing in the first place:

1. Adopt a lifestyle that makes you more in tune with yours true voice and personal power (ie-yoga, meditation, exercises, sleep, workshops, journaling)
2. Do activities together! Togetherness is really important along-side self development
3. Read articles or watch videos that "support" your partner's point of view because from understanding comes trust and respect.

We hope that you enjoyed the 3 Ways to Check Yo' Insecurities. We just want to note that this knowledge, and Relationship Zen in general, won't work if one doesn't support the knowledge with an appropriate intent and state of being. For example, on that Sunday during the December holiday, we could have simply given up and peaced out - we contemplated it. But Relationship Zen is more than just knowledge, it really is an attitude, philosophy and way of life that requires action. Thanks for letting us share.

Let us know what you think about these ideas on our Facebook group. Or, send us an email at connect@RelationshipZen.ca. 

"Let go of your insecurities. Let go of your pain. You are limitless. Nothing is holding you back. You are perfect. You are infinite. Smile. Love. Laugh. Don't forget to live." - Unknown

Sending you positive vibes,

DL