Love Letters Reconsidered

 "When you begin to touch your heart or let your heart be touched, you begin to discover that it's bottomless" - Pema Chodron

Valentine's Day is about expressing love through actions. As you know by now however, to love, one must have self-love. On this snow day, we thought of a way to capture that concept through Valentine's Day. On another occasion like the December Holidays for example, we gave each other gifts of health, because it reflected some of the founding ideas behind Relationship Zen. For Valentine's Day, we thought of another idea that doesn't involve commercial goods: the gift of appreciation and love. We thought you might want to try it too. 

Whudup?

You have the key to your own heart

We are going to merge the V-day idea of the "love letter" with a Relationship Zen approach to love letters. 

We are going to write two love letters -- one to ourselves and one to each other. Why one letter to ourselves first? Well, one of our core beliefs is that the love you seek starts and ends with the love you have for yourself. In other words, the more you practice self-love, the more you will feel and receive love (your partner's letter to you, for example) and the more you will give love (your letter to your partner, for example).

Therefore, the first letter that we will write will be to ourselves. It will be an exercise in self-love and appreciation. Once we've done that, we will be in a better position to witness the true beauty of each other. That's when we're going to write a letter to each other. This second letter will be for expressing what we appreciate about the other person and about the relationship. However, in our view, this letter would be of more valuable if it wasn't written with a "mainstream" mindset.

Say word

Word. Here are some reminders about the concept of love in the Relationship Zen sense. As Fred Roger said: 

"Love isn't a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun, like struggle. To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now." 

In other words, don't try to change your partner through your love letter -- express appreciation for who they are in the moment. Keep that idea in mind as you write the second letter, especially. Equally important, be aware of where you're placing your happiness -- in your own hands or in their hands? The latter is dangerous. Look out for things like: "You're only the one for me", "I can't live without you", "I know there will never be anyone else for me", etc. 

Instead, try "I always look forward to seeing you" and/or "I'm so happy that we get to share Valentine's day together because..." The idea behind the state of Relationship Zen is to be appreciative, not dependent. Avoid placing your happiness in someone else's hands. More on this, here. Essentially, it's not about being two halves, but about being two wholes who share a path. Nevertheless, stay true to your own word.

For both of these letters, you can begin by writing a list of all the things that you can think of. Don't judge your thoughts, just write. Write about your own and your partner's mental, physical, and spiritual strengths, experiences, contributions and most of all, their being/soul. Also write about all the things that you appreciate about your shared experiences. It can even be in point form! Then, you can re-read them and tailor the approach to ensure that you are speaking your true voice and loving them for their being, not trying to change them and not making them responsible for your happiness.

To help, try writing with your non-dominant hand because it may offer a different, simple, and less restrained perspective. We will reveal the letters to each other on Valentine's Day (or a few days after since we may need an extension). We will most likely keep the letter that we'll write to ourselves, private.

Not only will these letters be uplifting on V-day, but they can be re-opened later on. With regards to the letter to yourself, definitely bring it out when you are feeling a little low -- it can have the effect of a mantra. With regards to the letter you received from your partner, maybe re-open them after you've recovered from an argument. Maybe bring them out during random occasions like when you are out for dinner, at home on the couch, etc. If your appreciation for yourself or for your partner change and there are things you have to add, write more letters and add them to the envelope.  

But that's not all

This doesn't have to be something you strictly do with your partner. This can be something for your parents, grandparents, children, friends, siblings  and other special people in your life. For children and for younger siblings especially, you can write a letter about self-love. That is, a letter where you remind them that they are loved and to love themselves, to face adversity, to not worry about the cool kids, to not give in to negativity  to be nice, and to remember that you will always be there for them. 

Let us know your thoughts about these ideas and potential experiences with this activity on Facebook! Here is a quote that reminds us to be two wholes, sharing a path.

"Happiness held is the seed. Happiness shared is the flower" - John Harrigan

Sending you Positive Vibes, 

DL